While watching old Seinfeld reruns tonight, I was struck by the realization that the simple addition of just one now-ubiquitous technology would ruin the plot of many a classic episode. The technology I speak of is, of course, the cell phone. If Jerry, George and Kramer all had mobiles in their pockets, wouldn’t it have been easy to find each other in L.A. and avoid a crazy situation (“The Trip”)? We take our phones for granted here in The FutureTM, even as we depend upon them every day to keep us out of trouble. Luckily, the characters on the show did not have access to cell phones, because the following reinterpreted plotlines lack that certain Seinfeldian something…

  • “Bubble Boy” – Lost track of the car you’re following? Forgot to bring a copy of the directions to your destination? No problem! Just call your friend on his cell!
  • “The Old Man” – Where’d that old bastard get to? Oh, wait; silly me! I’ll just give him a ring!
  • “The Parking Garage” – Well, we’re idiots. We lost the car in this huge parking garage. I guess we’ll just split up, and whoever finds it first will call everyone else. That’ll work!
  • “The Outing” – I’m supposed to meet a reporter for an interview at the coffee shop, but this is made difficult by the fact that I don’t know what she looks like. Good thing she’s got my cell number!
  • “The Caddy” – Why is my employee’s crashed car abandoned in the parking lot? Is he okay? I’m so worried! I’ll call his cell phone!
  • “The Airport” – So which airport are you flying into now? Okay, see you there!
  • “The Secretary” – Hello, Uma Thurman! What’s your number? I’ll just program that into my phone. Talk to you soon!